Shame used to be really uncool to talk about. Until, Brene Brown went viral in 2010 with her TedTalk: The Power of Vulnerability.
Her definition of shame was:
“…the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging—something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.”
Personally, I have been healing from shame for most of my life. From family trauma, chronic pain, and addictions to your basic extreme self-criticism. The tricky part of healing shame, is that it likes to hide.
Symptomatically, it shows up as many different things. However, the core of shame is always a feeling of not being enough, and the fear that someone else will find out and see how truly unlovable we are. So, we compare ourselves to others, we seek approval, we see what is liked and do that more and we try to hide in ourselves what we see is not desirable. We contort and overthink to make sure this deep, dark feeling stays in the dark. The worst part? Is that we are blindly driven by this compulsion, whether we know it’s there or not.
When I was 26 years old during my psychotherapy training in Toronto back in 2008, it took me most of the year to even admit I had a shame problem. I blamed many things like my boyfriend, my family, bodyfat percentage or money problems for my pain. Blame helped me by pointing the finger away from myself. I was in deep denial, because the shame was so deep. Feeling unlovable at my core, I feared that someone else might peek at this dirty secret inside me if I dropped a ball or let my guard down. This fear of being seen drove my obsessive high-achiever self.
Which, I’ll be honest, nothing is more motivating than running desperately away from your worst fear. It motivated each workout, each late night study session, each course I took or book I read, how I talked to others, and honestly, my obsession with being like Kelly Kapowski (you know the popular girl in the iconic 90’s TV show Saved by the Bell). Smile, be pretty, be easy to like, be smart. Show the world you are successful. Don’t show them you are struggling. Don’t show them you need help. Don’t show them you don’t have all the answers. Be perfect. Sigh…so exhausting.
The risk? You will think these faces of shame are actually your secret sauce to success. But, I will show you how myself and my many clients have been able to take the skills from a life of achieving and gather the usable pieces from scrambling for approval, and release the heavy stuff of trying to prove. What is left is you, your reclaimed energy, and no longer needing validation to know your worth. It is very cool. And from this awesome place, you can create with inspired energy rather than fear.
Hence, The Many Faces of Shame. The title of my 5 part series on Shame.
1. Perfectionist
2. Overachiever
3. Control
4. Imposter Syndrome
5. People Pleaser
Over the next 5 weeks I will share how shame shows up with these seemingly positive masks. And then hopefully help you see how to unhook from the obsessions in order to feel more peace, love, life and like you belong and are enough regardless of what you do or do not do.